When it comes to choosing our life partners, there will be many factors that come into play for each of us.
Some people consider religious beliefs and family backgrounds. Some people give consideration to financial or educational backgrounds. Some may choose based on skin colo(u)r and appearances. And for some, personal habits and vices will play an important role. We all have different yard-sticks to measure up our future life partners.
Recently, a blog by
solitaire stirred up quite a debate around whether a person's marital past should play a role or be used as a criteria. I think its safe to say that almost everyone agreed that it was wrong to discriminate based on the marital past.
This raised some thought-provoking questions. If one considers the above as discrimination, then would the following not be considered in the same category?
Would you really give a person who, in your view is not good-looking, a chance to get to know them and see if they have the potential to be your future life partner? Or would you rather not bother with that person?
Would you give that chance to a person who works at a job which is way below your professional level? Do you even take notice of such people?
How about a person who has a criminal past, but is no longer into crime? Or would you rather stay away from such people?
Assuming you are not handicapped, Would you give a handicapped person a chance for that matter? Or is the attention they get from you out of pity or charity?
And what about a person whose color of the skin is very opposite that of yours? Do people of a certain skin colo(u)r freak you out and make you lock your car-doors as you drive past certain neighbourhoods?
After careful thinking and doing some soul-searching, the answers turned out to be not that easy to come by ..
13 comments:
Cannot possibly answer at least a few of them now. Need to think. will be back in a couple of days and write meaningful things.
Looks wise, i know i'd have considered if i had been single. Even there i'll have my limits. Nobody ugly.
same goes with skin colour
but criminal past is a NO NO.
for others, i'll be back.
Not good looking? Sure. Beauty is only skin-deep and nothing lasts forever. But I agree that there has to be some level of physical attraction too.
Below my professional level? Sure. Anyway, there is a great likelihood that I will do that with the number of educational degrees I have accumulated.
Criminal past? Not so sure. Depends on what kind of crime it is. Felony, misdemeanor? How many times in the past? What situation triggered it?
Disability? Once again, depends on what kind of disability it is. Is it going to create obstacles for me?
Skin color? DON'T CARE A DAMN!
And yes, I am assuming this is for an "arranged marriage". If I fall in love with someone, none of the above will or should matter!!
It is very difficult to say what exact parameters will trigger a feeling of love and liking.
Doesn't marrying people just for the reasons they are different from us defeat its very purpose?
@ Strollinthunder, so what is the "purpose" of marriage according to you?
Interesing thought and requires a personal insight....
- about looks - I would want to know the person - good looks sometimes can be deceiving....
- professional - here honestly no - i would prefer the same or better professional level - many professional tend to have odd work hours and weekends and will not be able to comply to many social events etc which the other person who is at a lower job will want and can enjoy - a potential for future rift in relationship(this is more of a practical approach for me)
- criminal past - depends what it is really.....if there is someone who is geniunly making an effort then i think its fine
- here let me ask you - say if you are married and then become handicap....what then.....so again it is solely situational based...can i give that person the time and effort it need for me to take care of - or will i create a sense of neglect (now again I am talking personally - as many a times i dont even have time to do anything for myself)
- color - beleive in united colors of benneton....so no qualms
the above might sound a bit apprehensive - and since have been thru one relation - want to be really careful.....and finally love sees none of these boundaries...so sometimes one has to live the moment and do what the heart says :)
thank you for this wonderful post...mr. non NJite :)
@ Ceedy, I know of two men who divorced their wives because of mental illnesses. The first wife had depression. The second one became schizophrenic.
Looks? - doesn't matter as long as there's some physical attractiveness. It can be a sexy voice, articulateness, etc.
Profession? - doesn't matter so long as he's good at what he does. I kinda admire "leading without title" people.
Criminal Past? - Absolute No.
Handicapped? - Doesn't matter so long as I love the person. Easy to say, but maybe extreme handicap might come in the way of our relationship be it love or arranged.
Skin Color? - Matters. Not exactly with skin color, but more with the lustre/maintenance of the skin. I mean, personally I have no objections with the darkest skin color if he projects himself well, is well-groomed, well dressed, and of course attractive to my definition of attractiveness as again in the communicative ability, voice, mannerisms. etc.
These Qs are a li'l hard to answer for me , coz i'm married..But I'm gonna try my best to put myself in "those" shoes and stay practical and honest, instead of just "RIGHT"
Like a few ppl have mentioned, none of these things would ( or Should!!!) matter in a love marriage.
In an Arranged marriage
- Looks : I honestly don't care about the physical beauty of the person. (The fact that I'm 4'10'' and vinod(hubby dear) is 5'9'' proves that!)
Having said that , I think first appearance does matter. The guy need not be "tall, dark n handsome" , but he definetly has to have charisma, for me to want to even start a converstation with him. Of course if he is a gr8 conversationalist - nothing else matters!
- Professional level : I would think twice about it, not b'coz it would bother me but coz not too many guys are completely okay with the wife being more educated/ successful. I wouldn't want this to be the cause for problems in my married life. If I feel confident that it wouldn't bother him, then i have no qualms.
-Criminal past : It really depends on the nature of crime. But I would anywez give it plenty of thot.The guy wld have to score 10/10 in all other departments!
-Handicapped person : Scenario being Arranged Marriage, where i'm probably checking profiles from shaadi.com - No. I'm sorry and ashamed tht i'm being shallow about this. But this is the truth.
We all dream about the person we are going to marry, n I'm sure a handicapped person is not wat any1 dreams of. Yes, the person can get handicapped later on in life(God Forbid!) , but that wouldn't be the same situation coz ur in love with the person by then.
- Color of Skin : as a crietria for the guy im gonna marry! Christ!! Who does that???!!! xcpet some morons!!!
@Cosmic Joy - U can see "Keeping it short" is definetly not a talent i have :-)
@solitaire
well thats sad....but can it be possible that the husbands drove them to that point....and if seperated could make a difference ???
@everyone - Thank you for your comments and sharing your views.
One thing I would like to add is that I feel these questions apply even when its not an arranged marriage. And the context of these questions is before you are in love or married.
It was surprising to hear many of you say that in love none of these questions matter. Is it really true that love has no boundaries? Is love truly blind?
@solitaire - I think what strollinthunder was referring to was that you marry or love someone who is on the same "wavelength" as you .. not someone who is completely the opposite of you.
Haven't commented earlier not because I was thinking but rather because I was trying to figure how to get my point across. No good - so here goes. Hypothetically we ALL have answers or lean towards answers fairly easily. When in the real situation though, we don't do the things we expect we would do.
I don't think anyone wants to settle for lesser than the best. But like you said, 'different yardsticks'. I mean go ask anyone about their ideal partner and tell me who tells you they want someone poor or ugly or dumb or dull? No one. We always want a rich charming funny kind intelligent etc etc etc partner. I just think that most though settle. And I don't mean say 'what the heck' and just marry anyone who they come across. What I mean is the weightage we give to things. Meaning if you had decided you wanted to be with someone of IQ 140 and you realize that you can find those kinds charming enough, you would settle for a 110 but for only someone who could hold a conversation at a party for instance.
Personally I would discriminate against all the things you have listed cause this isn't about lets say giving away your old stuff or something. It about spending your lifetime with someone. No complications to begin with is a good place to start cause complications always crop up.
@deepali - I think you have hit the nail right on the head. Its very true that we all have our ideals when we think or hypothesise. But when it comes to following through with actions, then it will depend on how strongly we believe in those ideals.
And thanks for sharing your beliefs .. hopefully its not all hyphothesis :)
well some cases I agree and some I wont..beauty is not important, personality is ..I think there has to be a wavelength match
Post a Comment